If you’re completely out of it like I am or just haven’t noticed: I haven’t been posting anything on this blog for just over a month. This is because of numerous things that have ‘got in the way’ of me and my writing which I’m now going to talk about in the hopes of ‘getting back’ my creativity and desire to write.
One of them being the subject of my previous blog post. My head has been all over the place (more scattered than usual) for the past month which isn’t really an excuse but I feel that if I can’t piece my own brain together, then I have no hope of even beginning to form a simple sentence on something interesting enough to read. Not only have I been at the doctors etc quite regularly, I started a new type of therapy which I don’t really know how to feel about yet. It’s online this time which is helpful considering I sometimes don’t have the strength mentally to leave my room. – I might talk about it properly, I might not.
Another thing that hasn’t helped is Writer’s Block. I’ve always struggled with it and when it does happen/kick in, I feel incredibly down and talk myself into believing that I’m some kind of failure as I am mostly a creative person when it comes down to it. I will have loads of creativity and ideas going through my head for a few months then all of a sudden it will just disappear. This is why I often carry a notebook with me so I can write my ideas down and when it does come back, I can pick up where I left off. If you know me well enough, you’ll know that around this time last year I started to write a book. I still have all the chapter plans and ideas but am yet to even open the year old word document containing the actual book. My Writer’s Block has also now spread to blog writing – Clearly.
I am definitely one of those people who needs quite a bit of reassurance with different things and this blog has become one of those things I need reassurance with which actually upsets me. I enjoyed thinking, planning and then writing for this blog but, like that new toy you got for Christmas when you were a kid, it got old after you had played with it a few times. I even enjoyed formatting and laying out my posts once they had been written – Not going to lie… That was always my favourite part of writing a blog post. I feel as though the subjects I talk about and my way of writing isn’t ‘original’ enough for not only other people but for myself. I have never felt like my writing or any other kind of creative piece I’ve made isn’t original but at the same time, I feel as if it’s been done before. Don’t get me wrong, I am confident in my content and the things I write/produce/create but at the same time, I’m worried that I’ve just completely ripped someone off. (Jack Howard put this into words better than I just have so check out his video about it here.) This whole blog has always been for myself (mostly) but if my content doesn’t make me happy then how is it meant to please others?
Here’s where the (very) mild depersonalisation kicks in… I currently think that I’ve ‘lost’ my opinions and, to some extent, my emotions/feelings – Like genuine ones that involve strong/clear thinking. Obviously with a distinct lack of opinions and feelings, I can’t exactly write about things that I don’t feel anything about or towards. Yeah, I do have just enough emotion to write a brief tweet or two about the odd thing but not enough to have a sustained conversation about a certain subject. I feel as though I’m in some sort of dream or I’m sat watching the world through a TV screen (which is sort of true, I guess.) I also feel like the past month, for me, has been one huge fuck off mental breakdown. – Yes. I just used ‘fuck off’ as an adjective. Deal with it. – which means I haven’t had the energy to realise all this until now.
I would also tell you that I’ve been ‘too busy’ to write which would be a lie. I always have my notes page open or my notebook (I even took all my writing stuff to Disneyland. Woah.) so the opportunities have been there this whole time, I just haven’t had the ideas or been in the right frame of mind.
I apologise that this has been pretty much just a rambling little filler to tide people over until I start writing some genuinely engaging and interesting content that I’m truly proud of and want to share with the internet.
I will be back soon with a distinct lack of Writer’s Block. Hopefully.